My apologies. I need to stop this illusion before everything is too late. Thanks to those few people who have been part of my  blog’s brief life. I will write again when my perspective of things comes back.



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Lack of Sense, Absence

November 6: my very first night of absence from work. I have been working OT’s for weeks now in order to compensate for the absences of my other teammates. I got tired and thought, “Just once won’t hurt.”

November 14: my second. While the whole world was in a temporary state to watch Pacquiao versus Margarito, my mind was on the watch not to go to work.

November 15: I was supposed to go back to work but decided not to. Being absent from work even just for a night made me realize that there’s really nothing to look forward to, and that I no longer have any reason to stay. I knew because it didn’t hurt unlike the way I felt when I left my old job because of depression.

November 16: Early morning I woke up with only one thing in mind. And that is to immediately get myself another job. But as soon as I stepped out of the bathroom after my morning ceremony, I received a message from a teammate saying that our team had already been dissolved and we’re going to be transferred to a different team. I felt a sudden rush of excitement that instance in the prospect of a better working environment even if that also meant that our sardonic Coach will be demoted. I went to our office 1 hour early before the shift but to my disappointment, only Coach was there. She saw me but without a word, I turned back and left.

November 17: I was accompanied by my best friend to a call center. We both passed the initial interview but the interviewer noticed that I was included on his character references. The interviewer got curious and told him that she will verify if the person on his resume and me are one and the same. Perhaps, she realized that I did not declare that I still got a job, and there was my name on my best friend’s resume, still proudly wearing my title and my company’s name. I was really disappointed because we would have made it. He was about to go on with the interviews but stayed by my side on going to another call center. It was a very long walk that ended up on being sickened with the environment of the recruitment area. I got home empty-handed and tired. Maybe it was just not for me. Maybe it’s not yet time.

Now. That leaves me no other choice but to go back.


Filed under Truths for Me

I got up from bed early this morning with only one thing in mind: to get my self another job. I have been absent from work for two nights now and I got no plans of ever coming. Don’t get me wrong, though. I just couldn’t stand everything.

I no

I tried hard. I did my homework, got things done the right way to the point of snatching myself an award which our Team Captain just ignored. She is that mean. And I’ve had more than enough of her shit.

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Worthless Wednesday

My first two months at work was very rough. The job has been OK but I just don’t feel welcomed by my team, especially my TC who have been dropping surprising IR’s and harsh words on me like bombs. In fact, I can find a hundred reasons to quit during the work hours. A superior whose words destroy, rather than build, confidence. Work mates whom I know talk behind my back because I refuse to blend in and adapt their ways. However, I still find more reasons to struggle and stay while on the ride home.

Today is pay day. I should be happy, I know, but I would have been happier if my best friend were around. We used to dine and buy books together at times like this before. Today is different. Hours ago we were together at a coffee shop while I was waiting for my shift, and he had to do his stuff. But his internet connection suddenly got bad; the mall wi-fi was also useless. I would love to spend the hours with him even if it also meant hours punctuated by petty fights (usually caused by me), laughter, and usually silence. But he had left to go somewhere else so he can continue doing his stuff. I stayed in the coffee shop for an hour to finish my drink and two chapters of a book I’m reading. And then I left to get my hair Bench-fixed. The work was good but it did nothing to boost my mood.

I still have four hours until the start of my shift. An hour I’m already consuming to update this blog; the remaining three hours I’ll use to get a good nap in the sleeping quarters before finally going to work. Nine hours of calls and helping out customers calling from thousand miles away just to watch TV. All these don’t make any sense at all to me. I’d rather stay home curled up with him in bed, but I have to endure everything, or else I’ll be worthless again.


Filed under Life at Work


Getting back into writing after almost a ten-month hiatus had been a real pain for me. If not doing the thing you love most is painful enough to bear, then the feeling of not knowing when (and where) to start is an excruciating torture. Nevertheless, I don’t have anyone to blame but myself because it was my fault that I’ve always been starting over.

Sadly, my best friend’s latest entry is a bit related to this. In a way, reading his post hurt me more, the way it made the truth about me truer than ever before. That I am always starting over with whatever I do or pursue. Because of this I wasn’t able to finish college. I ditched two jobs and am now again in danger of finding another one. How many blogs have I created and left wasted and worthless? This has been my disease. And I don’t think I will ever get rid of this.

I wouldn’t feel like this way again if not for my Team Captain who asked me a few days ago, “Are you dyslexic?”, pulling up dyslexia from after. I asked her to stop, claiming that I already knew it because my Mom studied Psychology. I didn’t care to ask her the what her basis was for asking me such an offensive question. I just lied, “No,” and just forgot the whole conversation. It was when I got back home after the shift did the question hit home. But I got no time to ponder about the idea, I thought. I’ve made huge progress from the helpless child I was before. I survived elementary and high school, even made impact during my college days being the spearhead and EIC of our college journal for two years, and now I already got a decent job I can be proud of. Finishing things is my only remaining problem. And it’s something I just have to live with.

I myself was surprise with my decision to write about this delicate matter. But I think it is just right. I realized this is the best way to establish the truths about me, one of the things I need to do to make this blog work for me. I know I can choose not to but I no longer want to write and keep some things in the dark. And honestly, I consider this a big step forward as I learn to accept those things I can no longer change.

Twenty-one days from now, I will be turning 21. I am still uncertain of my future and it scares me. There is only one thing I am sure of, though. I will write, no matter how many times lose the fire.


Filed under Truths for Me